06 May 2016

from Lawrence, SUNDAY PhiloMadrid meeting at 6:30pm: Tenderness and Aggressivity

Dear Friends,

This Sunday we are discussing: Tenderness and Aggressivity.

Carmen has sent us a short essay about her ideas on the subject. A
subject that can seem a mismatch at face value but in reality a very
basic one as Carmen points out. I also include a few ideas from a
slightly different perspective, but at the end all perspectives leads to
one conclusion.

---From Carmen
All human beings are born with a tender impulse which informs us about
our needs, and at the same time we come to this world with an aggressive
impulse which goal is mainly to satisfy our needs. In order to develop
these two impulses adequately, the child must be provided with a
respectful and adequate environment.

That means that the person that would act as a mother would cover the
child's needs adequately raising him up in a progressive way so the
child will understand that things come to him/her not immediately. On
the other hand, the father would place him in the world in order that
the child gets into action and therefore would be able to be satisfied.

When babies have lots of repetitive moments of frustration. the part of
themselves that inform them about their needs would be damaged and they
would start to develop defensive mechanisms. As a result, he would be
alienated of his genuine and real need. Also, if the father is not able
to assume his role or might be extremely dominant and demanding, the
relevant functions involved to satisfy his needs, would be severely damaged.

This is a very basic summary. We have to take into account that above
the three or so years old of the child, he not only starts to have needs
but also desires (which are needs covered by emotions).

As adults, it's fundamental to know what we really need, what we feel
and also what we want, and not what society dictates. It's very
important to have access to needs, feelings and desires (working, asking
for it instead to become a delinquent) in order to be relaxed instead of
being constantly stressed.


--- Lawrence

I guess we are very familiar with these two human traits. And, of
course, we are much more familiar with aggression than tenderness. Maybe
we can even detect a bit of a mismatch with this topic since aggression
is ubiquitous and we can experience it from those close to us to people
on the other side of the world. The actions of people can have an
aggressive effect on us if it wasn't intended.

Whereas we don't really expect tenderness from all and sundry; this
would be distressing and out of place to say the least. Indeed we expect
tenderness from those close to us such as parents or partners. We
mustn't mix our emotional joy about someone to tenderness. Tenderness is
not about us feeling good, but about us making others feel good.

This implies that we have a special relationship with only a few people
that qualify to convey their tenderness on us. Is tenderness, therefore,
a necessary and sufficient condition for love? I wouldn't argue that
tenderness was a sufficient condition for love, but a necessary
condition certainly. Tenderness means non aggression and an intentional
act to convey love to someone else, even if that someone is very close
to us. Tenderness goes beyond the act; we cannot fake tenderness.
Unfortunately, tenderness seems to be in short supply throughout our life.

Best Lawrence

tel: 606081813
philomadrid@gmail.com <mailto:philomadrid@gmail.com>
Blog: http://philomadrid.blogspot.com.es/
PhiloMadrid Meeting
Meet 6:30pm
Centro Segoviano
Alburquerque, 14
28010 Madrid
Metro: Bilbao
Open Tertulia in English every
Thursdays at Triskel in c/San Vicente Ferrer 3.
Time: from 19:30 to 21h

from Lawrence, SUNDAY PhiloMadrid meeting at 6:30pm: Tenderness and

No comments: